I’m sad, sick, and seriously annoyed with my scale. I may have to chalk this Zero Carb Mini-Challenge up to a FAILURE.
Not a true fail, just a fail for ME – due to TERRIBLE timing.
Kind of like when I hosted the Kitchen Organization & Cleanup Event – and that’s the very week my plumbing went OUT. No way to wash down, clean up, and get things done – without water. 😛
Rah! I did my best anyway, but it was a lot more difficult and time consuming – using buckets of wash water, and dumping those outside, etc. Just NOT ideal. 😐
It’s Day 6 of my 8-day zero carb challenge.
I started on Sunday of this week (today is Friday). The day before, on Saturday, I couldn’t eat at all. I had no solid food that day. I just felt sick, had zero appetite, and didn’t want to force food when the thought of it repulsed me. Which is nuts, because I’m one of those people that LOVES food.
I thought it would pass. I thought maybe it was stress. As the week progressed I thought maybe I had a stomach flu or something. By yesterday I had such a bad bout (including sweats, shakes & IBS), that I thought maybe I even got food poisoning the day before – on top of whatever else has been going on.
But in the back of my mind, all week long I’ve wondered if it was REALLY something else causing all this trouble…
It’s time for a confession…
I’m so ashamed to admit this. I’m writing this through tears. 🙁
Last week I was doing great on the 3IMAX stretch of my challenge. I lost 4.2 pounds in the first 5 days. That was a week ago Wednesday. The scales didn’t move again, but that’s common. They usually “hold” for a bit after the initial weight loss.
I continued to eat healthy on Thursday and Friday. I was having a rough day on Friday – just stressed, sad, anxious. Sometimes those days come out of nowhere, for no apparent reason. Or for a lot of good reasons. I dealt with it. I forced down a healthy chicken & shrimp salad for dinner that night, when it was the LAST thing I wanted.
I was proud of myself for that. Every battle won is a HUGE victory for me, because even though I’ve lost a lot of weight… I still struggle with my food problems. HARD.
Then I tanked. Late that night (Friday night) I just totally gave in.
It was just meant to be a few bites of my favorite ice cream, just something to soothe the internal pain (bad, bad, bad). The store was out of those little pints I like.
The nice person that went to the store for me (because I couldn’t even go in and do it myself) got me the closest thing they could find – a FULL QUART of it, in “store brand”, which didn’t come in little pints.
I’m feeling SICK as I write this.
I thought, “I’ll just have a few bites.”
Famous last words – for a binge eater like me. I *almost* finished that quart. It wasn’t my usual brand, it wasn’t very good even, and there was something odd tasting about it – like a very strong salty taste. I didn’t even save what was left of it.
I threw it in the trash angrily, like a bad dress that made me look fat.
This happened after I wrote up my Food Journal post for that day that I shared with you here. I shamefully omitted it, instead of editing it in. I’m sorry for that. I thought I could easily overcome it. I thought I could get right back on track and beat it.
I was so incredibly embarrassed to admit it, even to myself…
I failed. It was only a 16 day challenge, dammit. And I FAILED.
I knew what to do. Eat super clean, super healthy, “lean & light” for the next few days. Get RIGHT back on track. Do NOT dwell on it. Yada, yada, yada.
Great advice of course, and that would have been all well and fine, except I woke up sick on Saturday. Go figure. 😛 😐 I’ve done this before though (I’m no stranger to binges), and it never affected me like that. But that day I couldn’t eat at all.
The thought of food completely repulsed me. Was it mental? Was I mad at myself? Was I punishing myself? Was it actually physical – was there something about that brand that made me sick… er, other than the 6 1/2 servings of it that I ate? Grr.
I’m so sick with myself right now, just having to relive the whole thing in words. I’ve tried so hard to forget (and ignore, even) that it ever happened. *sigh* 🙁
It was a week ago today. So why am I bringing it up now? Because I can’t get over being sick. Maybe it is a stomach flu. Maybe it IS just stress. Or maybe, just maybe, it was that quart. I thought it was fair to confess this to you, because it’s really been bothering me. WAS it the culprit? Or perhaps just the shock to my body? That could very well be the case. It’s not kind on your body to jerk yourself in and out of ketosis, or to shock your body with that amount of sugar. It does bad things to your body.
I continued on with the challenge. I ate healthy. I ate as much as I could even when I didn’t feel like eating. I started the second half of my challenge as intended – the Zero Carb Week. I’ve done GREAT ever since that horrible moment a week ago. I’ve put it far behind me, and just moved forward – which is the only thing you can do.
Even with going zero carb, some days super low calorie too, my scales haven’t moved since. They fluctuated a little here and there over the last 8 days, but that’s it.
For anyone that’s ever said you should have a “cheat” to make the scales move – that’s always been total BS, for me anyway. It’s never worked.
I hardly ate yesterday – again.
I forced myself to eat half an Arby’s roast beef sandwich (sans bun) for breakfast. I forced myself to eat the other half around 10pm last night. I had one cup of chicken broth somewhere in the middle of the day. And some coffee.
I also didn’t get a workout in either, but I was seriously sick and weak all day long: cold sweats, shakes, IBS with extreme lower abdominal cramping, etc. The HWC (heavy whipping cream) sent me straight back into cramping, so I switched back to my sugar free creamer just to get through the day.
582 calories. Wow…
I’m on my 3rd coffee this morning so far, but I still haven’t eaten yet.
I’m torn on what to do. Finish out the Zero Carb Challenge (only 3 more days to go!)… or go back to my usual ketogenic low carb diet of 20 net carbs a day. I want to feel better. I want to do what’s best for my health. I want to stop feeling so sick.
Right now I still don’t feel like eating at all. Blah.
The scales still haven’t moved, by the way. I am stuck at 152.8 pounds – for now. I’m sure they will when they’re ready, but I really hoped for a little “pick me up” there at least. Seeing that number stare back at me -AGAIN- this morning… blah. You know how that feels. I hopped over on my other scale to check my body fat. Nope, nothing there either. All numbers are “stuck”.
Eating hardly any carbs, and some days hardly any food and not near enough calories, all week long – and the scales have only moved .2 pounds (less than a quarter of a pound).
Am I completely hopeless?!
Giving up is not an option.
All that would do is make me FAT. And there’s NO way I’m starting over (again). So it’s onward and upward – er, downward on the scale. Eventually, lol.
I’m struggling. I’ve been crying a lot, having fitful sleep and nightmares, I’ve felt physically ill all week, I feel down – disappointed, discouraged, wondering if my body is just BROKEN… or if I’m ever going to overcome emotional binging. 🙁
Maybe I will eat today.
Maybe the scales will move sometime in the next few days.
Maybe I will feel better soon. “This too shall pass.” It always does. I think I’ve had enough punishment. Self-punishment included.
I’m sorry I’m not setting a better example.
I’m sorry I don’t have encouraging, exciting results to share with you.
I’m sorry I failed. Even sorrier that I was too ashamed to admit it.
If it were just me, quietly alone, I don’t think this would have hit me so hard. I would have just got back on track and went on about it. I feel a lot of pressure trying to set a good example and lead a healthy challenge for 16 short days.
I can’t imagine that something I ate (no matter the amount) a week ago is still making me THIS sick. So it HAS to be something else. Surely. Who knows. But I thought it fair to add it in there, since I haven’t gotten any better… like I expected I would.
On this topic…
When I read Kyndra Holley’s story last week… I cried all the way through it. 🙁 I just wanted to HUG her. She’s amazingly beautiful in every single one of her pictures – the before, during, after, and before again. The struggle is real, for so many of us.
I’m not sure what I’ll eat today.
Low carb, yes – but I’m not sure if I am going to try to finish out the Zero Carb Challenge or go back to my 3IMAX way of eating with 20 net carbs a day.