At my previous appointment in July I was 12 pounds lighter, my lipid panel and blood pressure and AC1 and all other numbers were perfect.
I have printouts but I have no idea how to read them. My doc gave me an A+ though, and said I should keep up whatever I’m doing.;)
I’m 43 years old, by the way. I’m 5′ 4.5″ tall and currently weigh 138.6 pounds.
But the conversation I had with my doctor this week was about something totally different. And what he said came as a complete SHOCK…
This photo was taken a couple of weeks ago (with my selfie stick) the day I climbed the ridiculous fire tower.
I look fine there, right? I felt fine. I feel fine (well, mostly).
I had a routine checkup on Tuesday. I got up and showered, put on make-up even, threw on a skirt and even wore my jewelry. I think I looked “totally normal.” That’s what I was going for anyway. 🙂
In hindsight, that may have been like an alcoholic hiding the bottles -lol.
We went over my current numbers and health profile real quick, then Doc turned to me and said “I’d like to put you on Citalopram.” He explained it was an antidepressant, that it was mild, and that he felt strongly I should at least try it.
The surprise and confusion had to be written all over on my face.
I responded calmly with, “Do I seem depressed?” And just as the words rolled off my tongue tears popped up in my eyes out of nowhere. (I felt busted.)
I explained to Doc that sure I was a little down, but I’m doing all the right things. I told him I’m exercising, getting sunshine, eating well, I joined a local hiking group, I’m going to sign up for swing dancing classes.
He smiled nicely and said, “That’s because you’re a Type A Personality.”
I took that as a compliment. 🙂 lol
But what came out of my mouth next surprised ME…
I said, “I never wanted to be a Type A. I never wanted to have to do everything on my own, or work so hard to take care of myself on my own. I wanted to grow up and get married and be taken care of and feel safe.”
Did I mean that? I don’t know how true that is (that you can feel safe and secure inside a family or marriage) as I’ve never had that, but it HAS always appealed.
Especially those times I was home alone recovering from a surgery on my own, or taking care of two children while I had a nasty flu and could hardly take care of myself, or when I just had to “ride it out” through tough times (10 months of hormone therapy, getting myself OFF an antidepressant that backfired on me, etc).
I don’t think people are meant to live in isolation. I’m not one of these people that believes you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with others. I think your overall well-being is strongly tied to your relationships, your sense of belonging, and that love and human interaction are necessary parts of a healthy life.
I was in tears at this point, and reluctantly accepted the prescription – knowing in the back of my mind that he was right, but hating that it must have been THAT obvious.
I looked it up when I got home. It’s commonly known as Celexa and is also used to treat anxiety, panic and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I honestly don’t know how I feel about taking it. I like being OCD and Type A. 😛 I mean, what if it makes me less productive or less driven or less… ME? *sigh*
Still, I haven’t been sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours at a time (even if I take 2 benedryl – ack!), I’m having nightmares again, and lately I’ve been having to force myself to eat. I’ve lost my desire to cook altogether and just make things to get by. Which is obvious by yesterday’s meals (below).
I know me. Not eating is my new replacement for emotional eating. So yes, I’ve seen and felt and was completely aware of the warning signs.
It does help that I have the accountability of these daily food diaries I share with you, because that motivates me to at least TRY.:) And I *have* been eating, even when I don’t feel like it. Like I said, I’m doing all the right things to get myself through this.
I knew all of this. I know me, and I’m good at taking care of me. I’ve just been powering through. But I knew it enough that I’d ordered and tried an all natural plant-based supplement on Amazon prior to that appointment this week. It didn’t work for me unfortunately, it just made me feel dull and have blurry vision.
Still it’s depressing that it showed, enough so that my doctor picked up on it without even blinking. That really bummed me out (even more). I thought I was doing so well at smiling my way through this one… 🙁
Friday’s Low Carb Meals:
I had my usual healthy low carb breakfast of pecans, cottage cheese & berries. I stir it all together and it reminds me of cereal…
For lunch I just grabbed a few easy things: 30 grams of seasoned almonds, a Laughing Cow creamy swiss wedge, and the Vermont Smoke & Cure BBQ Beef Stick that came in my last Keto Krate. My stick (bbq) was 2 carbs. It was okay, not something I’d buy to eat again. Mostly I just needed a quick bite to eat…
I had eggs for dinner. It’s just 2 large eggs scrambled with colby jack cheese in real butter. Easy. 🙂
When I got hungry again I grabbed some colby jack cheese & almonds…
Then, about 5 hours later, after a real downer of an evening, I was curled up in bed watching my show on the DVR feeling very down… and hungry. *sigh*
At this point I’m just annoyed at being hungry. Food is such a chore when you don’t feel like cooking or shopping (or going out) and you’re sick of snacks. I envy my Great Dane who has this same bowl of kibbles that is magically (heh) always full and ready.
Anyway, I got up and grabbed what I could find: some cream cheese, peanut butter, and a few sugar-free chocolate chips I found hiding up in the cabinet.
Here’s My MyFitnessPal Diary for Friday:
Net Carbs: 27
Total Carbs: 43
Protein: 70 Grams
80% Fat, 14% Protein
Fitbit Steps: 3,123
Water: 48 ounces
I’ve gone from only sleeping 3-4 hours at a time to feeling tired all the time. Yesterday I logged over 11 hours of sleep, lol. Geez. I really have to get back on track here…
That “late night bite” blew my carb count for the day, and I see now that I didn’t even log the chocolate chips. I didn’t weigh them out either. 😛
We all go through tough times.
I don’t know how I feel about the word “depression” and I do know I feel very anxious about taking an anti-depressant. I’m 43, it’s not like I haven’t tried that before.
I just keep thinking it’ll pass, that I’m simply sad for legitimate reasons, I know all the right things to do to pull through this, yada yada yada.
This WILL pass. And I do know how to take care of myself. I’ve had to do it on my own all my life. For starters, I need to get back to serious amounts of exercise, as that’s a natural cure. The fact that I don’t feel like eating OR moving makes it hard, but I’m determined to push myself.
Someone asked me today (and this is not the first time I’ve been asked this) why I always eat sausage instead of bacon. I do like bacon…
As a single woman I find a tube of sausage is easy because I can slice it frozen off the tube and just cook what I want. It’s much harder to pull off strips of frozen bacon, lol.
When I do get bacon I tend to get sick of it before I eat the whole pound. That goes for a lot of things though, like having to eat SIX spinach burgers last week. 😛
I’m so lonesome for someone to share bacon with…
My husband left almost 17 years ago. My children have grown up and left home. I was engaged last year, that ended 14 months ago. I’d give anything for someone to eat bacon with, or just for someone to share meals with period.
For now though, I’m staying focused on my goals. Not just my health goals with food & fitness, but career goals and things I’m working on around the house as well. I’ve decided not to date for awhile, not until 2017 at least. I have some things I want to accomplish first…
That’s me “taking care of myself” of course. I made a list of things I want to change in my life, things I feel will improve my life, etc and I have been working non stop on those things lately. Type A, OCD, or whatever you want to call it (lol)… at least I’m taking personal responsibility, and taking control.
I will just say one last thing… sending someone home alone with a bottle of pills when you think they’re depressed seems like a stupid thing to do. Not just for the obvious reason, but also because many anti-depressants can backfire on you. Like that time many years ago that I tried Zoloft – and learned what “crazy” REALLY was (lol, ack!). I don’t personally think it’s safe to try new medications when you’re home alone and there’s no one around to make sure you’re in check.
That scares me. And makes me feel even more alone in the world.
p.s. Halfway through writing this, I had to run to the store before they closed… and I bought bacon. 🙂
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